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NaMiFiWriMoFo #1

Yes, I am going to try for National Micro Fic Writing Month F-shut your mouth! again.

I didn't manage 30 by the end of November, and it may well take a while to get to 30 again this year, but it's still fun.

I really need to decide on a consistent way to decide which made up words to capitalize and which to italicise.

Neren and the Gethlyn: Zehrn, part one


Zehrn leaned calmly against a tree, concealed by the foliage, and watched the raiders of his kharne creep towards the wooden watch tower. Four of his fellow Gethlyn, small, lithe and quick. Five of the larger Karyth, bred for battle and toil, tall as men but slimmer. The Gethlyn carried bronze daggers and short bows. Three of the Karyth wore bronze breastplates and carried spears. The last two Karyth bore no weapons or armour, dressed only in loose trousers and belts.

These were Karyth Tohk, changed slowly and carefully in the womb by the greatest of the kharne's Flesh Crafters. The Gethlyn, and their sterile children the Karyth, could not abide the touch of iron. The Flesh Crafters gave to a few warriors the gift of stone; the Karyth Tohk's flesh turned, slowly, to hard, unyielding stone. Their bodies' too hard for iron to bite, and thier limbs strong enough to tear apart mail, the warriors were more dangerous with thier bare hands than most were armed. Of course, after a while, the transformation to stone was complete, and they became statues, unmoving. Some believed the soldiers still lived, trapped in stony shells.

Zehrn's long soft ears twitched and rotated under his back-swept horns. "You should give up on those trinkets, Vasshna. They give you away." He turned to regard the Gethlyn approaching. Vasshna was slightly shorter than Zehrn, and more richly dressed. Long spotted hair spilled over a blue cloak, and Zerhn's sharp eyes picked out glints of brass and cut crystal in the sparse moonlight.

"Once I figure out how to bind silence into one of these, I won't have that problem." She held up a piece of cut crystal set in bronze and silver. Her brow furrowed, and the flicker of light from the shard reflected in the mirrors of her eyes.

"I don't know why you spend so much time on those. You've power enough in your own right. You could be down there." Zehrn shook his head in irritation.

"I'm no warrior. You know that. But of course, you are. Or would be if you were strong enough. If this raid works, if your plan succeeds... maybe it won't matter? We've never tried anything this bold before."

"We're lazy, as a people. We take what's easy to take from the Nereni, but we live in huts and tents. Even the bronze we use is mostly stolen or found. We could be masters of this land, instead of parasites. Think of how much more time time you'd have to study those if we ruled here.

"I've watched them, Vasshna, how they fight, how they train. They're organized. They think years ahead where we seldom look beyond the next week. We use our gifts to steal sheep. They use thiers to buld castles. "

Vasshna gazed at the bauble again. "If I'm right, what we can do with these, then we can..."

"Ha! They have the first tower!" Zehrn leaned forward, a feral grin flashing across his face. "Just as I had planned."

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
mycrazyhair
Nov. 5th, 2008 12:02 am (UTC)
Hmm. Are you looking for comments and critiques or no?
curgoth
Nov. 5th, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
Criticisms are welcome. Part of the point in doing these is to get better writing. I probably won't go back and edit to fix the things that are broken, but it might help prevent me from making the same mistakes again.
mycrazyhair
Nov. 5th, 2008 01:59 am (UTC)
Okay, well here's what I'm seeing. You're doing a tight third-person narrative with Zehrn as your viewpoint character, right? So I'd expect you would be describing the things Zehrn is experiencing, but in some places you're just implying them.

For example, you say: Zehrn's long soft ears twitched and rotated under his back-swept horns. "You should give up on those trinkets, Vasshna. They give you away." Given that Zehrn is your viewpoint character, I would have expected a sentence in between these two, in which Zehrn actually hears the tinkling.

Also, how does Zehrn know when his troops have got control of the tower? I would have expected to SEE what he sees, that lets him know that.

Also, you've got some pretty serious info-dump going on in the second paragraph. If you want to disguise that, it would help to explain why Zehrn is thinking about those issues.

I'm intrigued by the warriors slowly turning to statues, though. Nicely creepy! And Zehrn's ears seem very real and natural.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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