Gather 'round, oh, my daughters and oh my sons. Come sit by the fire and hear the story of the Raven, the Spirit Bear and the Great Storm.
Now, it happened, oh my brothers and sisters, long ago in the time before time, that Raven and Spirit Bear quarrelled. This is not the story of the argument between these two. In the end of it, Raven flew at Spirit Bear, and plucked out his left eye, and gouged the right, leaving it scarred and recessed deep into his fur. Spirit Bear left then, and retreated to the West to hide his shame and lick his wounds, while Raven made herself at home in the high places and the low places.
Time passed as time does, and Spirit Bear hid in the dark and green places in the West, and Raven went where she would. Raven forgot her anger, and forgot about Spirit Bear. Spirit Bear grew small and quiet, and kept away from the cities, ashamed to have been defeated by Raven. And there he stayed, for many lives of Man.
It was not so long ago, oh my culturally appropriated children, that a man journeyed to the dark and green places in the west, or at least the inexpensive gift shops nearby. The man found Spirit Bear in that place.
"Oh ho!" said the man "Here is a cute bear! And it is half off due it's shabby condition! This is the perfect gift for my adult daughter, who I am sure still loves plush toys, as all daughters do."
"BEHOLD!" cried the Spirit Bear, "I am Spirit Bear! I am sacred to the Indians or something! I bring, um, luck! And stuff! Mystic stuff!"
"Wikkid!" replied the man. "Do you have a pot of gold for me?"
"No," replied the Spirit Bear, solemnly, "that's leprechauns."
"Damn. Well, anyway, you're coming with me."
And so the man took the Spirit Bear, and went into the east, to the City of the Tower, where his daughter lived. Not to see her, specifically, but he dropped in while he was in the neighbourhood. And he gave to her the Spirit Bear, saying "Here, my daughter, behold the Spirit Bear! Spirit Bear is sacred to the Indians and stuff! But then, what isn't? Ho-ho! Anyway, Spirit Bear is a very happy bear, and now you will be happy and think I am awesome. Go ahead, it's okay!"
Spirit Bear looked up. "Actually, I am quite possibly the saddest bear in all the world. Gather round, and hear my tale of woe. You see, in the time before time, I..."
"Quiet you!" snapped the man. He gazed expectantly at his daughter, then shrugged and left.
The daughter and the Spirit Bear looked at each other. "So... you're sad, huh?" said the daughter.
"Yup," said the Spirit Bear, "in fact, gather round, and hear my tale of Woe! Long ago, in the time before time, I..."
"I am also sad." said the daughter. "Mostly because my father is a jerk. Here, play with my cat. My cat is not sad, just lazy."
Spirit Bear looked at the cat. The cat was not impressed. "Um. Greetings, O cat. Would you like to hear my tale of Woe?" The cat remained unimpressed.
And the days passed, and the daughter was sad, and the bear was sad, and the cat was lazy. It was the height of summer, and the Sun King stood proud and tall in the heavens. The Daughters of the Storm King hid in the cool and quiet places in the City of the Tower, and this was how the Daughters of the Storm King came to hear of the plight of the daughter of the jerk.
"What a twit!" cried the Daughters of the Storm King, "Something must be done! "
The Daughters of the Storm King went to their father, who was taking a nap, and poked him until he woke up. By now, the Daughters of the Storm King had gotten themselves quite worked up, and weren't entirely clear in their explanation of the problem. The Storm King got the impression that it was the Sun King, not the jerk, who had made the daughter sad. So, the Storm King went and got into an argument with the Sun King, and they chased each other about the sky for months, making the summer grey and rainy when it wasn't sunny. There was much lightning, and soon the Sun King, the Storm King, and the Daughters of the Storm King forgot what it was about, because the Kings loved to fight, and the Daughters loved to play in the rain.
Eventually, the daughter got tired of the Spirit Bear complaining, and arrived at a solution. "Spirit Bear, I have an idea! I will send you to my friend, and introduce you to her dog, who will surely love you. Then you will be happy, perhaps!"
And so it came to pass, oh my... um, cousins and nephews? Anyway, Spirit Bear went to meet the dog, who loved Spirit Bear. And Spirit Bear was more or less happy, even though the dog played a little rough.
And the daughter went for ice cream and beer.