John Bull : part one
Axis forces were driven back today by Britain's greatest Tommy -
British Army Captain John Bull lead the charge against a line
of Gerry's tanks, giving the Hun what-for! With the Union Jack across
his chest and a stiff upper lip, John Bull is the United
Kingdom's best and greatest weapon in the war for the Liberation of Europe!
The vest with the flag on it was one thing. It was Kevlar and steel -
far more durable than the rest of the uniform, and after I took a few
shells in the chest, it was often the only bloody thing I had left
on. Looking back, I can't believe they got me to wear the damned
muttonchops. That was a sacrifice for King and Country, by
God. I drew the line at the bowler.
When the Change came, I was just a lad. Tall, yes, but I must have
put on seven stone in six months afterwards. I'd signed up to fight
the Hun, I'd even seen combat twice, when the Change hit. They still
don't know what it was, but I daresay it was the best thing to ever
happen to this Son of England.
By my twentieth birthday, I could dead-lift a tank, and take an
artillery shell to the face without blinking. I could outrun a
motorcycle and leap over a rank of bayonet-wielding soldiers. It was
an amazing time for me. Fighting for my country, without a doubt in
my mind that I was doing the will of God.
I was the first of us to be found. When I realised what I could do, I
told my CO, and after a few demonstrations, the higher ups started the
Super Allies special squadron. The next to show was The Angel - tall
and blond as a girl from a Nazi propaganda movie. She even had a
German name; "Sigrid"'s parents were German scientists who fled to
Canada when Hitler took over. When she found out what she could do,
she came right on over, determined to free the world, even if she was
a girl. I don't mind saying I took a shine to that one right off,
though whatever the tabloids said, she'd have none of it.
Next came Julian, Major Zoom, the only man I've ever met faster than
me. Basque -never would let you get away with calling him a Spaniard
- and with a wit as quick as his feet. I miss him still.
I don't think the Americans ever quite forgave Sylvie for beating them
to the punch. When France gave the world the Atomic Woman before they
finished their bombs, it rather made the Manhattan project seem like an
afterthought. When she told the papers "I am become Kali, destroyer
of Worlds", I'm told Oppenheimer complained that it was his line!
No one quite recalls when The Dark Shadow joined up. He says he was
there for a week before anyone noticed. With the power to cloud men's
minds, he knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. I have always
been glad that he was born American and not German or Italian - I
shouldn't like to face his brilliant mind or strange power. I don't
think he ever forgave himself for not catching Pearl Harbour before it
There was a certain naive exuberance to those days. We smashed tanks,
crushed artillery installations and fought the Axis' super-powered
men. It was a good clean fight, and we were winning it. This was
before we found the concentration camps, before Julian fell ill.
Before it all went pear-shaped, if you'll excuse the expression.
That was a lifetime ago, or so it seems. The war is long since past,
and the Super Allies are just another page in the history books for
the children of today. The troubles of our time now can't be solved
with a bold fist and an unstoppable charge. This is a time for wars
of the mind, our crisis one of morality and character. As such, I,
the man known to History as John Bull, born James Mason, announce my
candidacy for the Tories, for the constituency of Croydon North.